Umpire Makes Correct Call, Promptly Retires at Top of Game

With several controversial calls during this year's playoffs, major league umpiring has drawn a great deal of scrutiny.

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Tigers, Twins in Heated Battle to Get Swept by Yankees in Playoffs

Twins-Tigers
by beautyredefined

The Detroit Tigers and the Minnesota Twins are taking the American League Central Division race down to the wire, a race otherwise known as the Battle to Get Swept by the Yankees in the Playoffs. Detroit, by virtue of today's victory, holds a three game lead in the division, but the two teams play four more times before the season is out.

"It will be interesting," said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. "Both teams want to be the ballclub that gets swept by the Yankees in the playoffs. It's going to be a dogfight."

Despite the three game lead, and the Twins without slugger Justin Morneau for the rest of the season, Detroit is not overlooking them.

"They are a very well managed and disciplined team," said Jim Leyland, manager of the Tigers. "The Twins could still get swept even without Morneau versus the Yankees. But we don't plan on giving them that opportunity. We are going to be the ones to end our season against New York."

Confident words from both sides, as neither will concede anything. Unfortunately, Major League Baseball, Fox and TBS don't care who the Yankees opponent is, as they won't pay them any attention anyway.

Baseball Players Using Steroids Again Just to Get Noticed

Steroids or multi-vitamins?
Originally uploaded by limowreck666

With the start of the NFL season, little attention has been paid to Major League Baseball in the last couple of weeks. To combat that, MLB players have begun using steroids once again, just to get noticed.

"I don't like it, but we need to promote our league in any way," said a spokesman for the commissioner's office. "But steroids got us into a huge mess, and people never seem to let it go. I mean, they keep brining up 2003 for crying out loud. With the NFL and even college football taking over, we had to do something."

The players feel the same way.

"It's not good that we have to do this to get noticed, but if we have to, we have to," said a players union rep. "Attention is good, and it will bring fans to the games, and viewers to the TV. Plus, we can always defend it by saying we were taking B-12 shots, we didn't really know what it was, or that our cousin from the Dominican Republic recommended it."

Tim McCarver on Peavy Trade: "Jake Peavy, When Healthy, is a Pitcher That Can Pitch for the White Sox"

Jake Peavy
Originally uploaded by gregeichelberger

You can always count on Tim McCarver to add some insight. Here is a little more (fake) analysis from Tim on MLB's trade deadline stories.

*Roy Halladay not being traded: "Halladay wasn't traded, so he can still pitch for the Blue Jays."

*Jarrod Washburn to the Tigers: "Washburn is a left-handed pitcher, and he will still be left-handed when he gets to Detroit."

*Nick Johnson to the Marlins: "It's hot in Florida, and the Marlins play in Florida. Nick will have to get used to playing for the Marlins when it is hot in Florida."

*Jerry Hairston, Jr. to the Yankees: "Jerry Hairston, Jr. has the same name as his father."

*Victor Martinez to the Red Sox: "Martinez is no longer a Cleveland Indian. He plays for the Red Sox now.

Pete Rose Laying 3-to-1 Odds vs. Anyone Who Bets Against His Reinstatement

Pete Rose
Originally uploaded by Kjunstorm

Recent reports have surfaced that Bud Selig is considering reinstating Pete Rose from his lifetime ban, a move that many feel would be a mistake. However, Rose really likes his chances this time, and is laying 3-to-1 odds for anyone that would like to bet against reinstatement.

"It's been brought up so many times." says Rose, "It's just that this time it feels different. If anyone is dumb enough to bet against me, I'll lay 3-to-1 odds in their favor. Bet $1000 and I'll put up $3000. This is going to be great. I'm going to get reinstated, and clean up doing it."

Early reports from MLB offices have indicated that Rose will likely hurt his chances for reinstatement by taking bets.

MLB Trade Deadline Buyers Spotted at Wal-Mart Trying to Find a Bargain

These tough economic times have made their way into professional sports. Several Major League Baseball GMs for "buying" franchises have been spotted at Wal-Mart, trying to find a good deal.

Ruben Amaro, Jr., the Phillies general manager, says that this trend is going to continue. "I mean teams are trying to save money. Just look at the Yankees. They can't even sell their cheap home plate seats for a paltry $1250. Take us for example. We can trade half of our minor league players for Roy Halladay, OR, we can go to Wal-Mart and pick up a couple of bargains. Like a pitcher with a torn rotator cuff for only $8.99, or maybe a shortstop with a pronounced limp for 5 bucks."

Some other popular Wal-Mart bargains include steroid free players (2 for $25) and anything and everything from the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Pirates Continue Trading Frenzy; Ship Stargell's Career and '91 NL East Title to Yankees

Steroids Wish They Were Used by Albert Pujols

Several high profile MLB players have been linked to steroids. Albert Pujols has not. It angers him that due to his success, people accuse him of using PEDs. In a recent article, Albert spoke out against it: Rounding Third: Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols is batting cleanup for baseball.

But this story does not appear to have an end in sight. Steroids are out to get Albert Pujols.

"I look for Albert every time the Cardinals come to town," said Steroids, whose recent widespread use in baseball has allowed him to purchase homes in San Francisco, Chicago, New York, as well as several vacation homes in the Caribbean and South America. "I'm gonna get Albert. I don't care if he's in the team hotel, the clubhouse before the game, or out to dinner after. I'm switching into what I like to call 'Groupie Mode'."

Several past major leaguers, such as Rafael Palmeiro, have warned Pujols to look out for Steroids when in "Groupie Mode", as Steroids have been known to spike countless protein shakes and B-12 shots in the past.

Josh Hamilton - The Greatest Player in MLB History - To Skip Homerun Derby

Josh Hamilton, who is undoubtedly the greatest player in MLB history, will fore go this year's Home Run Derby in St. Louis. His 28 home runs during last year's derby clearly set him apart from the top players in league history, making him the best player ever to put on a baseball uniform.

"Last year's Home Run Derby was something else, wasn't it? I mean how many guys can hit TWENTY EIGHT home runs in a batting practice type setting?!? He is clearly the best baseball player to ever set foot on a major league field," said Rangers manager Ron Washington, whose team is currently tied for first with the Angels. "We are so glad to have a player of his caliber on our team. It is unfortunate that the Home Run Derby will be hurt by his absence."

This year Hamilton, despite injuries, has lit up baseball with a sizzling .263 average, 6 home runs and 24 runs batted in. Commissioner Bud Selig is ecstatic that Major League Baseball can build its entire marketing campaign around a player such as Hamilton. "It's numbers like his that bring fans to the ballpark. We are disappointed that Mr. Hamilton will not be suited up for the Home Run Derby showcase, but we love him anyway. MLB is sure to waive the 5 year waiting period when it comes time for Josh Hamilton to go on the Hall of Fame ballot."

Pirates Continue Trading Frenzy - Ship Stargell's Career and '91 NL East Title to Yankees

Following the trades of Nate McClouth, Nyjer Morgan, Eric Hinske and Sean Burnett, not to mention Jason Bay last season, the Pittsburgh Pirates are continuing to deal. In a startling trade, the Pirates sent Willie Stargell's career and the 1991 National League East title to the Yankees for Kyle Hawkins (a little league all-star in the Bronx), a dozen baseballs, some pine tar and 3 giant tubs of Dubble Bubble gum.

Pirates GM, Neal Huntington, wants to reassure fans that these, as well as future moves, are necessary for the franchise to look towards the future. "Stargell's career and the 1991 NL East title are in the past, we need to build for the future. That Hawkins kid is gonna be pretty good. He throws, like 58 miles per hour. I think that's good for a 12 year old. He can play a little shortstop too. And we're not done trading. We need to do all we can to improve by, say....2014. If we can get a good offer for the 1960 World Series trophy, we'll do it. I'm not against trading PNC Park for a few minor league stadiums either."

STUDY: Professional Baseball Exists Outside of Boston, New York

A ten year study performed by the North American Institute of Professional Sports Franchise Research (NAIPSFR) was released today, confirming the exsistence of professional baseball teams outside of Boston and New York. Lead NAIPSFR researcher Ian Schlecker was very excited with the findings. "It's great for other areas of North America to be able to root for an area professional baseball team. Watching the Yankees and Red Sox 162 times a year was becoming a little boring." Highlights of the report include the following:

• 28 Major League Baseball teams exist in addition to the Yankees and Red Sox
• Minor League Baseball consists of hundreds of teams in several leagues throughout North America
• ESPN has the ability to report non-New York and non-Boston baseball topics
• Top players such as Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer don't even play in New York or Boston

The NAIPSFR is exploring future research studies including:

• Pro golfers besides Tiger?
• Did the Cavaliers think it was 2003 when they traded for Shaq?
• Should a stadium beer really cost $8?

Washington Nationals Mathematically Eliminated from MLB

No one thought it would ever happen, but due to an obscure rule put in place by former MLB commissioner Kennesaw Mountain Landis, the Washington Nationals have been mathematically eliminated from Major League Baseball. Said outfielder Adam Dunn, "I'm really disappointed. That a professional team can be mathematically eliminated from an entire league is just unthinkable." Early reports from Washington have indicated that the Nationals will attempt to join the AAA International League. "It's a tough league, but with a lot of work, and a little bit of luck, hopefully we can compete there, and get called up to the bigs again," stated manager Manny Acta. Attempts were unsuccessful in getting responses from National fans at what was inevitably their last home game, since both fans had left early to beat traffic.