Kanye West Interrupts Broncos Postgame to Tell Them Bengals Should Have Won

THE BENGALS SHOULD HAVE WON!
Originally uploaded by Lukas W.

The Denver Broncos were celebrating their 12-7 victory, capped off by Brandon Stokley's miracle touchdown. Then, uninvited, Kanye West interrupted the celebration to tell us what he thinks. Apparently he prefers the Bengals over the Broncos, much like he prefers Beyonce over Taylor Swift.

"The Cincinnati Bengals had one of the greatest games of all time!" screamed Kanye. "OF ALL TIME! They deserved to win! Not you Brandon Stokley, not you!"

The Broncos stood in horror, and were not quite sure what to do. Thankfully later in the evening they were given an opportunity to celebrate their victory when the Green Bay Packers let them take the podium at their postgame press conference.

Barack Obama Declares AFC West a Disaster Area

AFC West Division
Originally uploaded by HocusPokusFocus

Today, President Barack Obama has declared the AFC West a disaster area. FEMA is now on the way to clean up the mess.

"I am glad that the government has finally stepped in," said a representative of the NFL. "The Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders appear to be a total mess. I just don't know how they could compete if we sat back and did nothing. We need some federal funds to restore these once proud franchises."

However, there is some opposition to this, mostly in the San Diego area.

"The government is going to bail those guys out?!?" said one Chargers fan. "Why can't they wait? Before they stepped in the Chargers winning the AFC West looked like the surest thing since the Titanic not sinking, er, well.... you know what I mean."

Brandon Marshall Using Free Weekend Attempting to Put "I" in Team

Brandon Marshall
Originally uploaded by scottandreen

With lots of free time this weekend due to the Denver Broncos suspending him, Brandon Marshall needed something to. He's decided to attempt to put an "I" in team.

"There were lots of things Brandon could have done," said one of Marshall's advisors. "But he doesn't feel like working out, or studying the playbook. We fully support his decision to put an 'I' in team, whether he is successful in his attempt or not."

Good luck, Brandon. Many have tried, but all have failed.

Cutler and Marshall to Have "Tantrum Off" Prior to Bears vs. Broncos

Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall
Originally uploaded by JAGaroutte

For a preseason game, the Bears vs. Broncos matchup is getting a decent amount of attention. Some top storylines include the whole Cutler vs. McDaniel thing, and Brandon Marshall's quest to get traded. We have learned that instead of a coin flip, possession will be determined by a Cutler vs. Marshall "Tantrum Off".

"It will be exciting to see who can throw the biggest tantrum," said one Bears official. "I hope it's Jay, but after seeing the video of Marshall at practice, I think he's got his work cut out for him."

Denver is also excited to see who can display the worst attitude, said a team spokesman.

"We've held on to Marshall for this reason, to win the tantrum off vs. Jay Cutler and the Bears. Once this is over, we can't get him out of town fast enough."

Pat Bowlen Demanding Trade Out of Denver

Denver Broncos
Originally uploaded by N i c o_

You have a new coach. You've traded your franchise quarterback. Your star wide receiver wants out of town too. Your team has struggled in its first two preseason games. This would be a lot for any NFL owner. For Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, he's had enough. He is demanding a trade out of Denver.

"I've had it!" said Bowlen. "I know it's a little odd for an owner to want a trade, but selling a team takes too long. Maybe the guy in Kansas City, or the guy up in Minnesota will swap teams with me. Heck, I'd even take a couple minor league baseball teams at this point."

Kyle Orton Blames 3 INT Performance on Lack of Neck Beard

Kyle Orton - sans neck beard
Originally uploaded by Scooter71

In his Broncos preseason debut, QB Kyle Orton didn't do so well, throwing 3 INTs in a 17-16 loss to the San Francisco 49ers. (Bronco Talk) -- (Mile High Report)

The poor performance, according to Orton, had nothing to do with playing for a new team in a new system, or even that he may not be a very good QB. He thinks he "didn't have it" because he shaved his neck beard.

"I grew the beard because it is incredibly cold playing QB in Chicago," said Orton. "I didn't realize that my beard, more specifically my neck beard, determines how well I play. By the regular season opener, I should have some pretty good growth, so Broncos fans need not to worry."

Roger Goodell to Suspend Brandon Marshall Just to Get it Over With

Roger Goodell
Originally uploaded by NFLUK.com

Roger Goodell plans on suspending the Denver Broncos troubled receiver Brandon Marshall just to get it over with. Marshall reported to camp just because he said he had to, and he continually makes it known that he wants his way out of Denver.

"He's a trouble maker," says Goodell, "a talented athlete, but a trouble maker. Brandon's been arrested, I don't know how many times, and never went to jail. His history dictates that he is bound to do something stupid sooner or later, so since I have some free time now, I'm just going to suspend him to get it over with."