No One Wants to Win NL East - It Has Cooties

Friday, July 3, 2009

Currently led by the Philadelphia Phillies with a pedestrian record of 39-37, the National League East race is shaping up to be a battle of who wants it less. It was revealed today, that the NL East has cooties, a disease thought only to exist in grade school girls. Said Phillies second basemen Chase Utley, "I don't need cooties again. I caught a bad case of it in second grade from Suzy Merlton when I kissed her on the playground next to the tornado slide."

The Phils aren't the only team that is leery of catching cooties. "We don't want it either." stated Mets pitcher Johan Santana, "Why do you think we've been playing so horribly lately? Guys are faking injuries to go on the DL so they can stay home, and hopefully avoid suffering from this horrible, horrible disease."

Should the cootie scare continue, MLB will surely have to step in and do something. According to MLB Director of Medicine and Disease Prevention, Richard Lucia, "We knew this was coming, but we ignored it - kind of like the whole steroid thing. We'd better start a cooties prevention program or Congress is gonna roast us again."


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