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Real Fake Sports is Now on Bloguin

2009-11-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! Real Fake Sports is excited to announce that we are now on the Bloguin Network. Check out the new Real Fake Sports.

David Stern on Donaghy Allegations: "Did You See Those Blown Calls in the World Series?"

2009-10-31T07:51:00.000-07:00

Tim Donaghy's unpublished book alleges many things regarding NBA officials. According to Yahoo Sports, Donaghy admits stars get preferential treatment, some refs have it in for some players and coaches, and a losing home team is likely to get a favorable whistle to make it competitive. NBA commissioner, David Stern, feels that all of the blown calls by umpires is a more pressing issue.

"Did you see that guy they called out?" asked Stern. "That was ridiculous. Major League Baseball clearly has more of a problem with its umpires than we have with our referees. Besides, the notion that the NBA tries to fix games or give preferential treatment to its star players is preposterous. Now if you'd be so kind as to leave my office, we are about to discuss who should qualify for this year's playoffs."

Agassi Admits in Book He Never Actually Played Tennis

2009-10-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

Andre Agassi, in excerpts released for his upcoming book, has revealed several shocking things about his life. Among those admissions are the use of crystal meth, and wearing a hair piece . Perhaps the most shocking admission of all, is that Agassi admitted he never actually played tennis.

"It was hard for me to come to terms with that," said Agassi. "I mean, my image was that I was this professional tennis player, when I never actually played tennis. It was hard to fake that for all these years. Still not quite sure how we pulled that one off."

Other less believable claims Agassi makes in his book about his life include being named the MVP of Super Bowl XXXVI, winning eight consecutive Nathan's hot dog eating contests, and that he invented the iPod.

TCU Hurting BCS Title Chances by Being From TCU

2009-10-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

The controversy of the BCS is upon us once again. Will it be two perennial powerhouses, such as Texas vs. Florida or Alabama, or will an upstart, non-BCS team get in the mix? Currently, TCU is the highest rated non-BCS school, but is unknowingly hurting their chances at a BCS title by being from TCU.

"They just don't get it," said a member of the BCS computer programmer squad. "We set up these computer programs to get big name schools to the title game. People would rather see a 1-loss Florida or a 1-loss Texas than an upstart underdog team like TCU or Cincinnati. I mean do you ever watch sports? No one wants to see the little guy somehow defeat the favorite. My advice to TCU is to change their name. Maybe to USC, LSU or some other three letter school name that is more recognizeable. Then our computer might rank them a little higher."

Shaq Applies to Become Special Deputy of Fudge

2009-10-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

As he has done in his previous stops, Shaquille O'Neal has applied to become a special deputy, this time in Cleveland. However, Shaq is looking at holding an entirely new fake cop position, and would like to be the Cuyahoga County Special Deputy of Fudge.

"I really like fudge," said O'Neal, naturally in between bites of chocolate peanut butter and chocolate pecan fudge. "Besides, LeBron can pretty much do everything around here, so I should be free to do whatever I want. That is as long as it doesn't involve working on my basketball skills or conditioning."

Panicking Yankees to Allow Joba to Throw as Many as Five Pitches

2009-10-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Following their game one defeat at the hands of the Phillies, the New York Yankees and their fans are starting to panic. It is believed that the Yankees will use any means necessary to win game two, even if it means elevating Joba Chamberlain's pitchcount to as many as five pitches.

"We have to do what we have to do," said manager Joe Girardi. "Joba will have to elevate his game and possibly the number of pitches he is able to throw. Five pitches is a lot for him at this stage of the season, but we need big things from everyone, Joba included."

If Chamberlain is unable to throw up to five pitches, Girardi says he will be forced to use Mariano Rivera for at least three innings after using four other pitchers to throw 1/3 of an inning each.

"It's just the Yankee protocol for an important game," said Girardi. "At least while I'm managing it will be."

LeBron's Teammate Accidentally Touches Ball in 4th Quarter

2009-10-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

The Cleveland Cavaliers season began with an opening night loss to the Boston Celtics, a 95-89 defeat at home. The Cavaliers were in their patented stand around and watch LeBron 4th quarter offense, but were completely thrown off when James' teammate, Mo Williams, accidentally touched the ball. After having the ball, he clearly appeared flustered, and immediately threw the ball out of bounds off Shaquille O'Neal's knee.

"I don't know what I was doing," said Williams. "I guess I just panicked and touched the basketball, then threw it at Shaq to quickly get rid of it. I apologized to the team after the game for leaving my role of standing in the corner for a brief second."

Head coach Mike Brown understood the mistake, but vowed that he would do all he could to not let it happen again.

"We need to do a better job of getting out of LeBron's way in the 4th quarter. Maybe we could go stand out of bounds or something. I don't know. I won coach of the year employing that strategy and I don't plan on changing it now."

Larry Johnson's Ridiculous Tweet Claims He Scored a Touchdown

2009-10-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Chiefs running back Larry Johnson may be in some trouble for what he said on his Twitter account, apparently ripping his head coach Todd Haley. In addition to insulting his coach, he is making outlandish claims, stating that he scored a touchdown during yesterday's game against San Diego.

"I can't believe you missed all those touchdowns I scored yesterday," said Johnson on his Twitter page, completely unaware that everyone saw the 37-7 blowout loss for the Chiefs, in which Johnson was kept out of the end zone and limited to 49 yards. "I was showin' off some mad skills. I probably ran for at least 300 yards. I am still one of the best running backs in the game today. Adrian Peterson got nothin' on me."

To Accomodate Fox TV Schedule, World Series Slated to Start in 2013

2009-10-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

In recent years, Major League Baseball has been notorious for scheduling playoffs games to meet the needs of television networks. The World Series match-up between the Phillies and Yankees is no exception. To accomodate Fox and their primetime programming, the series is not slated to start until 2013.

"Fox is giving us a boatload of money," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "So we have to accomodate every request that they throw our way. It doesn't matter if we lose fans in the process, we have to schedule our games around Fox's programming."

To no one's surprise, Fox is very happy with the arrangement.

"We are very pleased that Bud Selig and MLB meet our requests for the scheduling of playoff and World Series games, even if the breaks in between games are completely ridiculous," said a Fox executive. "But we can assure the American baseball fan that the Phillies-Yankees World Series will begin in 2013, right after House and American Idol finish their successful runs on our network."

Goodell on NFL Team in London: "I'd Like to See one in St. Louis First"

2009-10-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

With this weekend's matchup between the Patriots and the Buccaneers taking place in London, talk about moving a permanent franchise to the English city is again surfacing. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that ultimately, he would like to put a franchise in London, but he would like to place one in St. Louis first.

"The thought of an NFL franchise in London is very appealing for many reasons," said Goodell. "But I just think that it would be in the best interests of the league if we concentrated on American cities without NFL franchises, like St. Louis. Yes, the Rams currently play there, but c'mon. I'm talking about a bona fide NFL team."

LeBron Advises Terrelle Pryor to Stop Sucking

2009-10-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

The struggles of Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor have been highly publicized as of late, particularly after Pryor's poor performance in Ohio State's loss to Purdue last weekend. To combat his struggles, Pryor has been receiving advice from LeBron James, whose advised Pryor to stop sucking.

"It's tough to be that #1 guy if you suck," said James, "so I told him to stop sucking. If you stop sucking, then you will probably play better."

Pryor's head coach Jim Tressel also feels he would play better if he would heed James' advice.

"Even though he's been making some 'minus plays', we're going to stick with him," said Tressel. "We really feel as a staff, that he has the ability to eliminate those minus plays if he would just suck a lot less than he does right now."

Umpire Makes Correct Call, Promptly Retires at Top of Game

2009-10-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

With several controversial calls during this year's playoffs, major league umpiring has drawn a great deal of scrutiny. But last night, after making a correct call on a routine ground out in the 6th inning during the Phillies-Dodgers game, 1st base umpire Gary Cederstrom promptly announced his retirement.

"Yeah, it was kind of an unusual move, but I wanted to go out on top," said Cederstrom. "Retiring at the peak of your profession isn't something that most people are able to do. I didn't want to regret staying on too long, and making some controversial foul ball call or home run call and have it be incorrect. Now is the right time to walk away."

Buster Olney Declares NFL Trade Deadline Completely Boring

2009-10-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Predictably, the NFL Trade Deadline did not produce much player movement. A few small trades have taken place, including the Eagles acquiring Will Weatherspoon from the Rams for Brandon Gibson and a draft pick. ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, among others, described this year's trades, or lack of, as completely boring.

"What's the point of a trade deadline if no one is going to trade for any players for that late season run?" asked Olney. "I mean, trade some low level prospects for an all pro receiver or something. Like Terrell Owens for example. Don't just sit back and do nothing. This NFL stuff is completely boring. I'm just glad that I cover baseball and its 5 hour playoff games with countless pitching changes that end at 2am. Now that's exciting."

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Discover Film Room, Playbooks

2009-10-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

Good news Tampa Bay Buccaneer fans! Despite the team's 0-6 start, things may be looking up. Today it was reported that the team has discovered a film room, as well as the storage container holding all of their playbooks.

"This is awesome!" said head coach Raheem Morris. "We have really struggled trying to prepare our team without a film room and without playbooks. Now that we have both, hopefully we can turn things around."

Cadillac Williams, one of the team's running backs, agrees.

"A film room and playbooks?!? This is such good news. I was kind of getting tired watching our interns try to act out our opponents plays as though they were actual game film. Hopefully this puts us on the right track. It was kind of hard to have any success when our two offensive playcalls were 'running-type play' and 'passing thingy'."

Redskins Strip Zorn of Play-calling Duties in Preparation for Stripping Him of Head Coaching Duties

2009-10-20T06:39:00.001-07:00

The Washington Redskins announced that head coach Jim Zorn has been stripped of his play-calling duties, and will be replaced by Sherm Lewis. The team says the move is just preparatory, and will ultimately lead to Zorn being stripped of his head coaching duties.

"We find it's best to take away a job slowly," said a member of the front office. "There is less conflict that way. Things will just work out on their own. If we slowly strip Jim Zorn of his responsibilities, when he no longer has anything to do he will stop coming in to work. Kind of like what they tried on that movie Office Space."

When told of the move, Redskin players admitted they were completely unaware offensive plays were even being called.

Sam Bradford's Latest MRI Confirms No NFL Contract

2009-10-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

The Red River Shootout ended with another Texas Longhorns victory, this time 16-13 over the Oklahoma Sooners. Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford again injured his right shoulder, and his season and college career are in jeopardy. He underwent an MRI, and it confirmed that no current NFL contract exists in his right shoulder.

"We found no new injury and no evidence of an NFL contract," said a member of the Oklahoma medical staff. "He aggravated his previous injury. That's it. We did not find evidence of a current NFL contract."

Bradford was disappointed by the news.

"I had hoped a guaranteed NFL contract would be in there," said Bradford, who would most likely have been the #1 overall pick in the 2009 draft with a contract estimated to reach at least $60 million. "But I made the decision to come back to college, and now all I can do is regret that choice and listen to everyone second guess my decision."

Jerry Jones Gives Wade Phillips Vote of Confidence While Texting Mike Holmgren

2009-10-16T07:52:00.001-07:00

Wade Phillips received the dreaded "vote of confidence" from his owner Jerry Jones this week. Unbeknownst to Phillips, he received the vote of confidence while Jones was sending a text message to available coach Mike Holmgren.

"Sending Mike Holmgren a text message means absolutely nothing," said Jones. "I've known Mike from the days he coached the Packers. We played a lot of classic games against one another. It has nothing to do with me wanting him to coach the Cowboys."

Endorsing Phillips seems kind of strange, given that Jones is in contact with other coaches.

"I assure you, nothing fishy is going on," said Jones. "Now if you'd excuse me, I need to write on Jon Gruden's Facebook wall."

Yankees Leaning Toward Jeter Only Batting Order for ALCS

2009-10-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

With a big series approaching, the Yankees are turning to their big players for the ALCS against the Angels. Manager Joe Girardi announced today that the Yankees will most likely go with a Jeter only batting order for the duration of the series.

"Derek Jeter is clutch. Make that Derek Jeter is the definition of clutch," said Girdardi. "Why wouldn't we want him to take each and every at bat for us? Great players come through in great situations. Sending Jeter to the plate 30 or 40 times a game gives us a better chance to win."

However, by sending Jeter to the plate for every at bat, the Yankees are left with no one to run the bases.

"Yeah, we thought of that," said Girardi. "But by heightening the importance of each at bat, we really think it will lead to 80 or 90 home runs for Derek in this series. He is the definition of clutch, after all."

Aaron Rodgers Won't Criticize His O-Line While Beneath This Pile of Defenders

2009-10-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Despite being sacked a league high 20 times and taking plenty of other hits, Aaron Rodgers is refusing to criticize his offensive line. At least until he can remove himself from this huge pile of defensive players.

"I won't do it while under this pile," said a wheezing Rodgers, obviously having difficulty getting words out beneath the large pile-up of his latest sack. "I think I'll wait until I get up, if that's even a possibility anymore."

The Packers lineman are glad that Rodgers is currently taking the high road, choosing not to criticize them while beneath a pile of defenders.

"It shows that Aaron is really a class act," said lineman Jason Spitz. "It really shows that he is a stand-up guy. Well, metaphorically speaking that is."

Despite Classified Ad, Neighborhood Flyers, Browns Deny Shopping Quinn

2009-10-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

With the NFL trade deadline approaching, many are wondering if the Cleveland Browns are willing to trade Brady Quinn. Despite a full page classified ad in the Cleveland Plain Dealer and countless neighborhood flyers posted around Cleveland Browns Stadium, the team denies that it is shopping Brady Quinn.

"Trade Quinn? No, that's preposterous!" said a source from within organization's front office. "I'm sure there are lots of professional football teams in the Cleveland area that would put an ad in the paper or post flyers around the stadium to try and trade a quarterback. But I assure you, it wasn't us."

Along with the classified ad and the flyers, it appears as though the Browns also had Quinn clean out his locker.

"What, that? No, no no," said the team source. "We are having every player clean out their locker with the whole H1N1 swine flu thing going on. It just happened that the media was present when we cleaned out Quinn's locker and no one else's. That's all. Oh, and pay no attention to the press release announcing Brady Quinn's pending trade. Most likely just an elaborate hoax."

Fantasy Football Owners Opposed to Rush Limbaugh Joining Their League

2009-10-14T09:21:00.001-07:00

With much opposition in his attempt to purchase a share of the St. Louis Rams, Rush Limbaugh has shifted his attention to joining the Serenity Now Fantasy Football League. Such a move is widely opposed by current league owners.

"Rush Limbaugh? No way," said Lou Meyers, owner of Brian Westbrook's MRI Experience. "We can't have such a polarizing figure as a part of our league. It would not be good for our image."

Mitchell Tompkins, co-owner of That's What She Said, agrees.

"A fantasy football owner cannot be making public statements that we all know Rush will make from time to time. What would people think of us, if we are affiliated with such comments? Besides, I don't want him talking about fantasy football trade proposals or other transactions on the radio before they happen. We take tampering in our league very seriously."

OK State to NCAA on Bryant: "Feel Free to Punish our Untalented, Useless Players"

2009-10-14T07:02:00.001-07:00

Oklahoma State star receiver Dez Bryant is in some trouble with the NCAA, for allegedly lying to NCAA officials about activities that may have taken place while at the home of Deion Sanders. The school has asked the NCAA to go easy on Bryant, instead offering to have several untalented, useless players punished instead.

"We've got all kinds of walk-ons that don't play, why can't they punish them?" said a representative of the football program. "Or maybe some guys that are injured, and out for the season. Suspend them. We'd also be willing to completely eliminate our indoor field hockey program."

The NCAA has yet to rule on what Bryant's punishment will be, but the school hopes that the NCAA makes what they view as the right decision, allowing Bryant to be reinstated, while punishing other less talented players for Bryant's mistakes.

Said the school representative, "Dez Bryant is our meal ticket..er, I mean it was just some unusual circumstances. He deserves a second chance and we deserve a big payday in a bowl game."

Rockies Desperate Three Out Rally in the 9th Proves Futile

2009-10-13T07:25:00.001-07:00

Despite a desperate three out rally attempt in the 9th inning, the Colorado Rockies were eliminated from the playoffs by the Philadelphia Phillies. Rockies shortstop, Troy Tulowitzki, who was struck out by Phillies closer Brad Lidge for the third out in the 9th inning, refused to let the game end.

"C'mon guys, we can still do it," said Tulowitzki, frantically taking cuts against imaginary pitches. "We're not out of it yet. Hey Lidge, is that all you got?!?"

As Tulowitzki was taking hacks, Rockies outfielder Carlos Gonzalez, who was on second for the third out, repeatedly ran around the bases until collapsing.

"Did we do it?" said the obviously fatigued and bewildered outfielder. "Rocktober....we can't let Rocktober end!"

The futile comeback mercifully ended when the stadium staff finally decided to turn off the lights.

A-Rod Celebrates Yankees World Series Victory Over the Twins

2009-10-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

Alex Rodriguez finally stepped up, clubbing two key home runs that lifted the Yankees to an ALDS sweep of the Minnesota Twins. However, due to his lack of postseason production historically, and the Yankees recent lack of postseason success, a confused A-Rod began celebrating what he believed to be a World Series victory.

"We won the World Series!" said a jubilant Rodriguez. "It feels so good to finally be a champion. Hopefully people will mention me along side other great champions too, like my teammate Derek Jeter. I guess this is old hat for Jeter. He doesn't seem to be as happy as me, but he's won like 10 World Series before I got here. Probably not a big deal anymore."

Despite having one more round to go to even reach the World Series, Jeter let A-Rod enjoy his moment.

"He doesn't get too many opportunities to celebrate a big win," said Jeter, "so we'll let him have this. Besides, if he stinks it up against the Angels [in the ALCS], things will go back to normal and fans won't like him anymore. But they will continue to love me and my continued heads up, clutch performances. Like when I took that pitch for ball two yesterday. That was sweet."

CBS Apologizes for Televising Browns vs. Bills

2009-10-11T19:17:00.001-07:00

In one of the ugliest games in recent memory, the Cleveland Browns defeated the Buffalo Bills 6-3. Despite only 193 yards of total offense and a 2-17 passing performance by QB Derek Anderson, the Browns managed to get the win. Following the game, CBS quickly went into damage control.

"We had no idea that these two teams would play such an ugly game," said a representative of the network. "It was never our intent to pay millions of dollars to televise such an awful game. If we had known that, we could have run some Two and a half Men re-runs or a CSI marathon instead. Again, we apologize to the 6 people that sat through this game."

Beer Pong, Monkey Chug Fall Short in Quest to be Added as Olympic Sports

2009-10-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Golf and rugby, have recently been added as Olympic sports for the Rio de Janiero Olympics of 2016. However, beer pong and monkey chug have fallen short in their quest to be taken as legitimate athletic events, and ultimately Olympic sports.

"We need to do a better job of promoting our events," said an obviously tipsy organizer of the beer pong-monkey chug proposal. "It probably wasn't such a good idea to be drunk when we brought this to the IOC. But oh, well. At least we're drunk. I am anyway."

Is this the last we've heard of beer pong and monkey chug, and their quest to be added as Olympic sports? We'll see. But as one supporter said, "Consuming large amounts of alcohol in a competitive setting is what the Olympic spirit is all about. Or something like that."

Antagonistic Yankees Still Finding Ways to Irritate Nation's Baseball Fans, Win Playoff Games

2009-10-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

With yet another improbable playoff win, this time a 4-3 extra innings victory, with a 9th inning homer by Alex Rodriguez and an 11th inning walk off home run by Mark Teixeira, the New York Yankees have proven that they can still win games in a completely irritating fashion. The game also included a blown call on a ball hit by Joe Mauer, a ball called foul, that should have been ruled a double. His double would have given the Twins the lead in extra innings. Instead, it merely added more movitation for Yankee players to piss everyone else off.

"I love getting under people's skin," said a smirking Alex Rodriguez. "So tonight, we took the approach to sit back, and let the Twins get what they viewed as a comfortable 3-1 lead. Then, since it was the ninth inning, Tex [Mark Teixeira] and I said we'd better tie this thing up. So we did. Then that walk-off by Tex was just the icing on the cake."

Yankee players are not the only members of the organization that enjoy infuriating fans of every other baseball team.

Said owner Harold (Or is it Heathcliffe? I don't know, some name with an H) Steinbrenner, "That's why we go out and spend $800 million dollars each off season and have a quarter of a billion annual payroll, for moments like this. To see the angered looks on non-Yankee fans faces makes it all worth it. We're not in this for the World Series titles, secretly, we just REALLY like irritating people, particularly baseball fans."

ESPN on Nebraska's Win: "Tim Tebow Will be a Game Time Decision"

2009-10-09T07:44:00.001-07:00

Nebraska defeated Missouri last night, 27-12, in a rain soaked come from behind victory. It was a very important win for the Cornhuskers and their chase for the Big 12 North title. ESPN's take on the game? 'Tim Tebow Will be a Game Time Decision.'

"Well we had just started the Nebraska-Missouri highlight, and were right in the middle of showing one of Zach Lee's touchdown passes," said Sportscenter anchor John Anderson. "But then we realized that we hadn't mentioned Tim Tebow and his concussion in about 5 minutes, so we had to break into the highlight and talk about Tebow. It's just the network's policy."

'Tim Tebow Will be a Game Time Decision' was also ESPN's analysis of the major league playoffs, NASCAR's Chase for the Sprint Cup, and this week's upcoming NFL schedule.

Confused Replacement Official Calls Facemask Penalty on Dwyane Wade

2009-10-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

The NBA figured they would have some issues using replacement officials during the referee lockout, but they did not think this would occur. During the latest Miami Heat pre-season game, a confused replacement official called Dwyane Wade for a facemask penalty.

"At first I thought he was joking," said a frustrated Wade, "but then he marked off a 15 yard penalty. Still not quite sure how that worked on a basketball court, and then he gave the ball to the other team. It was weird."

Rick Cole, the replacement official, says that it is just part of adjusting to the NBA game.

"It's just part of getting used to basketball and the speed and skill of these athletes. Usually I referee junior high football, so I guess I forgot where I was. Hopefully my pee wee hockey experience doesn't get me in trouble where I try to give Kobe Bryant a 2 minute penalty for slashing or something."

Jets Acquire WR Who Can't Catch, Will Pursue RB That Can't Run

2009-10-08T07:22:00.001-07:00

The New York Jets acquired receiver Braylon Edwards from the Cleveland Browns yesterday for WR Chansi Stuckey, LB Jason Trusnik and a couple of draft picks. The Jets are obviously hoping Edwards will improve their passing game, despite his history of dropping passes. The Jets have also said that they will go after a RB that cannot run in order to improve their ground game.

"It's like reverse psychology," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "If defenses think our guys can't catch, they'll leave them open. If defenses think our backs can't run, they may relax. We hope to catch our opponents on their heels."

No word yet on where the Jets will find this back that cannot run, but sources close to the situation say the Jets are scouring nursing homes and assisted living facilities in the tri-state area.

Metrodome Magic Just Some Dude in the Upper Deck with a Magic 8 Ball

2009-10-07T12:06:00.001-07:00

The Twins continued their improbable late season run, with a one game playoff victory over the Detroit Tigers in extra innings. Many are attributing the Twins victory to Metrodome magic, as this is the last season the Twins will play in the dome. Today, it was revealed that Metrodome magic was just some dude in the upper deck with a magic 8 ball.

"It was cool," said Tom Smuckers, a 33 year old Twins fan from Martinburg, MN. "I'd ask the magic 8 ball a question and it was always a positive response. 'Are the Twins going to win?' I asked, and the response was 'Most likely'. When I asked, 'Will Gomez score?' it replied 'It is decidedly so'. It was awesome!"

News of the magic 8 ball has sent Minneapolis area retailers into a frenzy, looking for more magic 8 balls, ouija boards, and other magic kits designed for kids.

First Base Coach Fired for Constantly Wandering Off to Second, Third Base

2009-10-06T08:22:00.001-07:00

The New York Mets shook up their coaching staff following their disappointing season, including firing first base coach Luis Alicea. The Mets claim that Alicea was fired because the team was unable to score enough runs, despite having a good on base percentage and batting average. But those behind the scenes say that Alicea was fired because he was constantly leaving his post at first base and wandering off to second or third.

"What's the big deal?" asked Alicea. "It gets boring standing at first base all of the time. Guys are constantly trying to run away from you. It gets depressing. So I just wanted to see things from a different perspective. So what."

Mets GM, Omar Minaya, was not impressed with Alicea's behavior. He said the move had to be made.

"We need our first base coach to help us produce runs. We can't have him walking across the mound or to second base while the game is going on. It's not safe for him, or the players on the field. Besides, I had to blame someone for our awful season. I'm sure not going to fire myself."

Raiders Regret Not Sharing Playbook with JaMarcus Russell

2009-10-05T11:17:00.001-07:00

The Raiders lost again, this time 29-6 to the Houston Texans. Oakland's offense was terrible, gaining a measly total of 165 yards.
Today, Oakland has attributed their season long offensive struggles to not sharing the playbook with quarterback JaMarcus Russell.

"It's tough out there when you don't know what's going on," said Russell. "They send in these long plays with 15 words and a bunch of numbers. Apparently I am just supposed to figure things out on my own."

The Oakland Raider coaching staff regrets not sharing the playbook with their QB.

"It was a mistake," said head coach Tom Cable. "We should have shared our plays with him. But JaMarcus is young, so we didn't want to burden him with too much. Looking back it was a mistake. It was probably a bad decision to not introduce JaMarcus to his receivers either. I don't think he even knows their names, let alone where to throw the ball to."

Milton Bradley Blamed for Failed Chicago Olympic Bid

2009-10-03T12:06:00.001-07:00

Chicago fell short in its Olympic bid for the 2016 Olympics yesterday, with Rio de Janeiro getting the nod. Many close to the situation feel that it is Milton Bradley's poor attitude and behavior that cost the city of Chicago the 2016 Olympics.

"I knew he was going to hurt us," said a bid organizer. "The IOC (International Olympic Committee) looks at stuff like that. He was such a poor representation of what Chicago is all about. It's really disheartening."

When he heard of this Milton Bradley was apologetic, while at the same time blaming everyone else for his behavior.

"I am sorry that I appear to have cost Chicago the 2016 Olympics," said Bradley. "But it is just unrealistic for a grown man, playing a kid's game to act like an adult when people are always in his face asking stupid questions about why I act like a 7-year-old. It's everyone else's fault I was unable to meet expectations (referring to his .257 average, 12 HRs and 40 RBIs) and now it's their fault Chicago lost the Olympics. It's not me, it's you, and you, and you...."

Looking for More Fans, NHL Opens Season with Game 7 of Stanley Cup Finals

2009-10-02T08:49:00.001-07:00

The NHL has been lost among the casual sports fan in recent years. Some blame the contract with the lesser viewed channel Versus, while others blame the season long lockout for the 2004-05 season. To remedy the limited fan base, the NHL began this season with game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, as this is typically a highly watched game.

"I can't believe we didn't think of this before," said a league spokesman. "NASCAR starts the season with their 'Super Bowl' (the Daytona 500), so we said, why not? Besides, it doesn't get much better than game 7. The drama, the excitement, two great teams. It was awesome!"

Unfortunately, this plan appears to have backfired. By determining the Stanley Cup champion on opening night, the NHL is now left with a 7 month string of completely meaningless games. Even more meaningless than usual.

Brett Favre Denies Revenge Factor, Ever Playing for the Packers

2009-10-02T07:41:00.001-07:00

The match-up between the Green Bay Packers and the Minnesota Vikings on Monday night is one of the most hyped games in recent memory, with Brett Favre playing his old team. Many feel that revenge is a motivating factor for the Vikings QB, a feeling that he denies. He has also denied ever playing for the Packers.

"I'll admit I played for the Jets before I got here," said Favre, "but the Packers? I don't think so. I mostly played pick-up games for Wrangler commercials. I have not ever played for the Green Bay Packers."

Despite the Brett Favre Steakhouse and a street named Brett Favre Pass, he remained steady in his denial of any past association with the Green Bay Packers.

"It's just a coincidence that those things are in Green Bay. I think Favre is like 'Smith' or 'Jones' in northeast Wisconsin. There's probably a hundred guys named Brett Favre there."

Study Finds Shocking Link Between Forceful Blows to Head, Concussions

2009-10-01T09:18:00.001-07:00

On the heels of the study indicating that NFL players are more likely to suffer from dementia, or other memory-related impairments than the average population, another study has shown a shocking link between repeated forceful blows to the head and concussions.

"Who knew?" said a representative of the NFL. "I mean, it's crazy that there is a link between grown men running into each other at full speed and the incidence of head injury. I suppose their next theory to test out is that your hand is susceptible to fracture if you punch a brick wall...OWWWW! I think I just broke my hand!!"

Tigers-Twins to Play Much Less Exciting Singleheader

2009-09-30T08:44:00.001-07:00

The Tigers and Twins, with the American League Central title possibly hanging in the balance, played a very exciting, playoff type atmosphere doubleheader yesterday, with each team picking up a win. Major League Baseball has decided to follow up that excitement with a boring, ho-hum one game singleheader.

"Way to go Major League Baseball," said one Twins fan. "We build up all of this drama with a doubleheader and they follow it up with one game. Booorrriiinnnggg!"

Tiger fans feel the same way.

Said Reginald Patterson, a 40-year-old unemployed Tiger fan, "Why can't we play three games, or four, or six? Half of Detroit is out of work. At least give us something to look forward to."

Raiders Extend Criticizer Ban; Will Play in Empty Stadium, Without Coaches, Players

2009-09-29T11:56:00.001-07:00

Over the weekend, the Oakland Raiders made it very clear that they would like to ban former QB Rich Gannon, who is now a CBS analyst, from team facilities. Gannon made some comments that the Raiders organization found offensive. Today, the Raiders extended their ban of criticizers, and have banned anyone who has said anything negative about the team.

"It's just a move that we had to make," said a team spokesman. "We can't have people saying negative things about the Oakland Raiders organization. It's not good for our image."

This widespread ban will force the team to play in empty stadiums, without players, coaches and television coverage, a move that the Raiders front office fully supports, as they have no apparent idea about how to run a football team.

T.O. on Not Catching a Pass: "Buffalo Media Members are a Bunch of Meanies"

2009-09-29T09:44:00.001-07:00

The Buffalo Bills offense struggled over the past weekend, only scoring one touchdown in a 27-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints. Terrell Owens was held without a catch for the first time in 185 games, which Owens attributed to the postgame attack he suffered at the hands of the Buffalo media.

"The media in Buffalo is preventing me from playing an active role in this offense," said Owens. "They are a bunch of meanies, and they are trying to make me out to be some evil guy that thinks his quarterback (Trent Edwards) doesn't make good decisions or that the play calling stinks. Have I ever publicly stated anything negative about my quarterbacks or offensive coordinators? I don't think so."

Eric Mangini Threatening Fines for Players Who Reach the End Zone

2009-09-28T09:17:00.001-07:00

Eric Mangini has taken discipline to another level. Several players have filed grievances against him for what they view to be unfair fines. One player was even fined $1701 for taking a $3 bottle of water from a hotel. It is believed that Mangini is also threatening players with fines for reaching the end zone.

"Yeah I'll fine them if they reach the end zone," said a stern Mangini. "Not scoring touchdowns is just a part of my plan for the Cleveland Browns. It takes discipline to not reach the end zone, and I will fine them if they do. But on a brighter note, we are close to being very disciplined, because we are already not scoring very often."

Mangini is also working on completely re-inventing the game of football. His current plan involves a two quarterback/two football system to make his Brady Quinn - Derek Anderson dilemma less stressful while confusing defenses at the same time.

"If I can somehow get two balls on the field at the same time then our chances for completing a pass double," noted Mangini. "Plus, it will bewilder the defense having two balls to defend. It's a genius idea. Make that a Mangenius idea."

Jim Zorn Believed to Be First Coach to Get Lions a Win Since Wayne Fontes

2009-09-28T08:28:00.001-07:00

The Detroit Lions actually won a football game yesterday, a 19-14 decision over the Washington Redskins. Redskins coach, Jim Zorn, is taking some heat in Washington over this game. However, researchers say Zorn should be praised for this historic event, as he is believed to be the first coach to get the Detroit Lions a win since Wayne Fontes.

"It's great that I could be a part of this historic game," said Jim Zorn. "I guess I would have preferred if my team won, but getting credit for a monumental win for another organization is pretty good too. Hopefully I can become a position coach or a coordinator for the Lions when I get fired by the Redskins."

Notre Dame Ranked #1 in Latest Northern Indiana Football Poll

2009-09-27T11:47:00.001-07:00

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have officially returned to glory. Propelled by last night's come from behind 24-21 victory over Purdue, the Irish have once again regained the top ranking. In the Northern Indiana Football Poll.

"It's great that we have returned to prominence in northern Indiana," said head coach Charlie Weis. "Hopefully with some hard work, we can be ranked number one in all of Indiana, and not just in the northern part. Maybe one day, we can be talked about in the national college football discussion too. Because we are good and can beat good teams. Not just because we are Notre Dame and we were good in the 70s and 80s. And Lou Holtz 'unbiased' opinions don't count either."

Nation's Female College Football Fans Sent to Hospital With Concussion

2009-09-27T10:49:00.001-07:00

Last night, during the Florida Gators - Kentucky Wildcats game, Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was taken out of the game and sent to a hospital due to a concussion. Coincidentally, every female fan in the country was present at the same hospital with concussion like symptoms.

"It's a strange phenomenon," said a representative of the Lexington, Kentucky hospital. "For every female college football fan to suffer a concussion on the same evening as Tim Tebow is really quite remarkable. It's almost as if they are living vicariously through Tebow. Or maybe just stalking him in some weird way."

The entire state of Florida, including the owner of the Jaguars, is also believed to be suffering from concussion like symptoms at this time.

Cubs on Brink of Clinching 101st Consecutive Disappointing Season

2009-09-26T12:17:00.001-07:00

The cursed Chicago Cubs have been disappointing fans since 1908, the last time the franchise won the World Series. This year's version of the Cubbies can clinch the 101st consecutive disappointing season by losing to the Giants, or with a win by the St. Louis Cardinals over the Colorado Rockies.

"It's great that we can uphold the tradition of the Cubs franchise and disappoint Cubs fans everywhere," said manager Lou Pineilla. "Tradition is important in baseball, and we are just glad to be a part of the storied history of the Chicago Cubs. Or the unstoried history. However you look at it."

Cubs management is already working on disappointing fans next year, by determining which big name free agents they will pursue, giving fans hope, only to have that player underachieve or succumb to some type of injury.

Fans Exhausted From Repeated Cheerleader Requests to Stand Up, Sit Down, Fight, Fight, Fight

2009-09-25T11:05:00.001-07:00

Fans of the Maple Lake High School football team in Dunbar, Arkansas are tired. Not from a triple overtime late night thriller, but from repeated requests of the cheerleaders for fans to stand up, sit down, and fight, fight, fight. These fans aren't too happy about it.

"It was ridiculous!" said Pam Schuster, a parent of one of the players. "We came to watch the game and support the team, even though we aren't very good. Then, with us behind 28-7, our annoying cheerleaders kept asking us to stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight. I am so tired and my knees are so sore today, I don't know what to do with myself."

One fan is filing an official complaint with the school. He wants the cheerleaders to incorporate cheers that are more indicative of the score.

Said an angry Mark Tipton, a 43-year-old lifelong fan of Maple Lake, "If I go to one more game, and the cheerleaders ask me to stand up and holler or ask me how much spirit I have when we are down by five touchdowns, I think I'm going to jab a fork in my eye."

Gretzky Resigns - Nation Continues to not Care About Hockey

2009-09-24T19:55:00.001-07:00

Today, Wayne Gretzky announced that he will resign as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. In response, the nation continued to not care about hockey.

"Who retired from coaching?" said William Garber, a 38 year old sports fan from Montrose, Iowa. "Didn't he used to play hockey? I guess I didn't know he was a coach. Is it hockey season already? I guess I was just concerned with football...and fantasy football."

William is not the only sports fan unaware of what is going on in the NHL.

"Phoenix? There's a hockey team in Phoenix?" asked Rita Underguard of Calico, Colorado. "What are they going to do next, put one in Tampa Bay or Atlanta?"

Brad Lidge Named Phillies Playoff Opponent MVP

2009-09-24T08:24:00.001-07:00

Brad Lidge blew another save last night, giving up two runs in the Phillies 7-6 loss to the Marlins. But some good has come out of it for Lidge, as he has been named the Phillies playoff opponent MVP.

"It's quite an honor to be named MVP," said Lidge, "even though it is our opponent. But being a playoff MVP for the Dodgers, Cardinals or the wild card team is pretty cool. I'm just glad that they hold me in such high regard."

In addition to being named MVP for the Phillies playoff opponent, Lidge has been moved to the starting rotation. Philadelphia manager Charlie Manuel says the move was made to give the Phillies a chance to catch up after Lidge gives up 2 or 3 runs, something that was very difficult to do in the 9th inning.

Manny Ramirez Just "Being Some Guy Named Steve" Until Playoffs

2009-09-23T11:37:00.001-07:00

With the Dodgers closing in on a playoff berth, several players may start to coast the rest of the way. Leftfielder, Manny Ramirez, has decided to "just be some guy named Steve" until the playoffs begin.

"I'm tired of just being Manny," said Ramirez. "So until the playoffs start, I just want to be some guy named Steve. If you want me to do something random or irriational, you'll have to wait until the playoffs start."

The Dodgers promotional staff has already tried to cash in on the "just being Steve" phenomenon, as they have begun selling Steve the construction worker, Steve the waiter, and Steve the banker t-shirts.

Yankees Miraculously Clinch Playoff Spot Despite $200 Million Payroll

2009-09-23T08:20:00.001-07:00

Yankees Clinch Playoff Spot
by danny wild

Despite a lack of big name talent, and a paltry $200 million payroll, the New York Yankees are back in the playoffs. By virture of their 6-5 victory last night over the Angels, the Yankees have clinched a wild card birth, and will most likely win the AL East.

"This just shows you what a hard working organization can do," said manager Joe Girardi. "My hat goes off to guys like Alex Rodriguez, Johnny Damon, C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Mark Teixeira who have payed their dues in our minor league system and are now getting their chance in the big leagues. It's really amazing, with the roster we have, and the low salaries give out, that we can win a baseball game 63% of the time. Remarkable."

In addition to clinching a playoff berth, the Yankees have given American baseball fans further opportunity to hate the Yankees.

Jets on Talking to Crabtree's Agent: "We Never Spoke, We Only Sent a Giant Bag of Money"

2009-09-22T07:25:00.001-07:00

New York Jets
by N i c o_

The Michael Crabtree saga in San Francisco just keeps getting better and better. Now the 49ers are accusing the Jets of tampering, claiming they spoke with Crabtree's agent. The Jets claim that they never spoke with Crabtree's agent, but admitted that they did send him a giant bag filled with money.

"It's just a coincidence that we need a big play receiver and he is kind of still on the market," said a representative of the Jets. "We simply sent his agent a big bag of money as a good faith gesture. It has nothing to do with us wanting Crabtree to play for us."

The NFL is looking into the matter. Right now the league is not commenting, but sources say investigators are waiting for another anonymous bag of cash to arrive at league offices.

Lane Kiffin Criticizes Florida for Barely Beating Tennessee

2009-09-21T10:16:00.001-07:00

Lane Kiffin
by Tennessee Journalist

Despite an apparent mismatch, the Tennessee-Florida matchup was highly publicized due to the verbal feud between head coaches Lane Kiffin and Urban Meyer. Today, following the Gators 23-13 victory on Saturday, Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin has added some more fuel to the fire, criticizing #1 Florida for barely beating a clearly inferior Tennessee team.

"They only beat us by 10?" asked Kiffin. "Did they see us play UCLA, at home? I don't think this was the #1 team in the country. I mean, they barely beat a team coached by me. And we all saw what I was able to do with the Raiders."

Washington Nationals Magic Number to Clinch NL East at 231

2009-09-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

Jim Riggleman
by steks

The Washington Nationals have had a difficult season. But apparently they still have hope to win the NL East, as determined by an unknown, renegade statistician. Their magic number to win their division currently stands at 231.

"I don't know a lot about magic numbers, and I'm really bad at math," said manager Jim Riggleman. "All I know is that we need to win a bunch of games and everyone ahead of us needs to lose a bunch. If we can somehow win our last 14, and everyone in the NL East loses their last 14, we can probably make up some ground. Hopefully our magic number of 231 is attainable."

Ryan Yardman, a 29-year old fan of the team from Slippery Beach, Virginia is not quite as optimistic.

"231?!? Is Riggleman crazy? I don't think that is mathematically possible in only 14 games. But I guess I'm not really sure, and I don't care too much anyway. Being a fan of the Nationals has really sucked the life out of me."

Tigers, Twins in Heated Battle to Get Swept by Yankees in Playoffs

2009-09-20T17:44:00.001-07:00

Twins-Tigers
by beautyredefined

The Detroit Tigers and the Minnesota Twins are taking the American League Central Division race down to the wire, a race otherwise known as the Battle to Get Swept by the Yankees in the Playoffs. Detroit, by virtue of today's victory, holds a three game lead in the division, but the two teams play four more times before the season is out.

"It will be interesting," said Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. "Both teams want to be the ballclub that gets swept by the Yankees in the playoffs. It's going to be a dogfight."

Despite the three game lead, and the Twins without slugger Justin Morneau for the rest of the season, Detroit is not overlooking them.

"They are a very well managed and disciplined team," said Jim Leyland, manager of the Tigers. "The Twins could still get swept even without Morneau versus the Yankees. But we don't plan on giving them that opportunity. We are going to be the ones to end our season against New York."

Confident words from both sides, as neither will concede anything. Unfortunately, Major League Baseball, Fox and TBS don't care who the Yankees opponent is, as they won't pay them any attention anyway.

USC Forced to Start Slightly Less Talented High School All-American Blue Chip Quarterback

2009-09-18T12:23:00.001-07:00

USC Trojan Quarterbacks
by Castockpix

Injuries are already starting to decimate the USC Trojans. Starting quarterback Matt Barkley is out for this weekend's game, and will be replaced by Aaron Corp, a slightly less talented high school All-American blue chip quarterback.

"This isn't good," said a member of the USC coaching staff. "We are going on the road with our backup quarterback. Granted, he is a blue chipper and could probably start for 115 out of 120 Division I schools. But bottom line, he is still a backup, and slightly less talented than our starter."

This breaking news clearly puts USC's national title hopes in jeopardy. If any more players are injured, only to be replaced by slightly less talented High School All-American blue chip recruits, it could be a long season for the Trojans.

NBA Referee Lockout Imminent, Games to be Officiated by Those Three Guys in the Front Row

2009-09-18T07:58:00.001-07:00

Not the 3 guys in front row
Originally uploaded by themikelee

With negotiations breaking down between NBA officials and the league, it appears that a lockout of the officials is imminent. As a result, NBA games for the upcoming season will be officiated by those three guys in the front row.

"This is awesome!" said Mike, one of the three guys in the front row. "I can do a better job that those old geezers anyway. How hard is it to not call fouls or traveling? We always knew we were better than the stiffs the league threw out there, and now we'll have a chance to prove it."

Should negotiations resume, allowing the regular officials to work again, the league has decided to let those three guys in the front row coach a game every now and then. As Mike put it, "We can coach just as well as those guys too. How hard is it to tell your star player to go one on one?"

To Avoid Turnovers, Jim Tressel to Have Ohio State Punt on First Down

2009-09-17T10:22:00.001-07:00

Jim Tressel
Originally uploaded by WDPG share

If Jim Tressel has been accused of anything, it's that he is a conservative coach. He is taking that to the next level today, as he has announced that the Ohio St. Buckeyes will punt on first down for the remainder of the season.

"Turnovers are bad," said Tressel. "Negative yardage is bad. By punting on first down, we eliminate turnovers and lost yardage. Hopefully our defense can play well enough, and can create some turnovers and scoring opportunities for us."

If the defense cannot create turnovers, it will be very difficult for Ohio St. to score. Especially since they are giving the ball back to their opponent right away. Fortunately, they play in the Big 10 and will most likely qualify for a BCS bowl somehow, only to be defeated by an approximate score of 79-0.

Eagles Team Doctor Successfully Replaces McNabb's Broken Rib with Jeff Garcia

2009-09-15T20:39:00.001-07:00

Jeff Garcia
Originally uploaded by Darrins

Many were wondering about the Philadelphia Eagles immediate quarterback situation, given the rib injury suffered by Donovan McNabb in Sunday's game vs. the Carolina Panthers. With Michael Vick suspended for another week, the team signed free agent quarterback Jeff Garcia. Today, the Eagles team doctor successfully replaced McNabb's broken rib, with Garcia himself.

"It's a risky procedure," said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. "But given Garcia's small stature, our team doctor thinks it will work. Donovan should be fine by Sunday."

McNabb agrees.

"I feel pretty good after the surgery," said McNabb. "It's a little sore, but much better than what I was with a broken rib. I look forward to playing this week."

McNabb will most likely join teammate Brian Westbrook this season on the 'I'm not practicing and am questionable, but will play really well on Sunday' list.

Baseball Players Using Steroids Again Just to Get Noticed

2009-09-15T16:49:00.001-07:00

Steroids or multi-vitamins?
Originally uploaded by limowreck666

With the start of the NFL season, little attention has been paid to Major League Baseball in the last couple of weeks. To combat that, MLB players have begun using steroids once again, just to get noticed.

"I don't like it, but we need to promote our league in any way," said a spokesman for the commissioner's office. "But steroids got us into a huge mess, and people never seem to let it go. I mean, they keep brining up 2003 for crying out loud. With the NFL and even college football taking over, we had to do something."

The players feel the same way.

"It's not good that we have to do this to get noticed, but if we have to, we have to," said a players union rep. "Attention is good, and it will bring fans to the games, and viewers to the TV. Plus, we can always defend it by saying we were taking B-12 shots, we didn't really know what it was, or that our cousin from the Dominican Republic recommended it."

Tom Brady Praised for Causing That One Guy From Buffalo to Fumble

2009-09-15T09:55:00.001-07:00

Tom Brady
Originally uploaded by climbingkevin

The return of Tom Brady to the regular season was an exciting one, as the Patriots pulled out a last minute 25-24 victory over Buffalo. The turning point came on a fumbled kick return by Leodis McKelvin, a fumble clearly caused by Tom Brady, allowing the Patriots to come back and win.

"I just glared really hard at him when he took the ball out of the end zone, kind of like a Jedi mind trick," said Brady. "I saw him jump a little bit, and then he got hit. So I glared even harder at the ball, and it popped free, we recovered, and the rest is history."

Using his mental abilities to cause the fumble clearly exhausted Brady, as he was clearly confused by the post game ritual of interviewing the winning quarterback when he blew off Suzy Kolber.

In Response to World Wide Wilbon, Denver Post to Have Woody Paige Twitter From Outer Space

2009-09-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

Woody's Astronaut Suit
Originally uploaded by digitalvillain

The Washington Post recently gave Mike Wilbon a new page on its website allowing him to instantly post his thoughts and insights. His new moniker is "World Wide Wilbon." In an attempt to one up the Washington Post in the instant sports news department, the Denver Post has decided to have Woody Page utilize Twitter from outer space. The paper feels that people will want to pay attention to Paige, simply because this type of thing hasn't been done before.

What is Paige's response to being shot into outer space? "Jay Mariotti is a Jabronie!"

The Denver Post had considered other marketing alternatives, including having Paige write random quotes on a chalkboard while standing next to I-80. But tweeting from outer space was the winner, because it is believed that the volume of Paige's voice, should he speak if he has more than 140 characters worth of insight, will be tolerable if he is 20,000 miles away.

Kanye West Interrupts Broncos Postgame to Tell Them Bengals Should Have Won

2009-09-14T08:50:00.001-07:00

THE BENGALS SHOULD HAVE WON!
Originally uploaded by Lukas W.

The Denver Broncos were celebrating their 12-7 victory, capped off by Brandon Stokley's miracle touchdown. Then, uninvited, Kanye West interrupted the celebration to tell us what he thinks. Apparently he prefers the Bengals over the Broncos, much like he prefers Beyonce over Taylor Swift.

"The Cincinnati Bengals had one of the greatest games of all time!" screamed Kanye. "OF ALL TIME! They deserved to win! Not you Brandon Stokley, not you!"

The Broncos stood in horror, and were not quite sure what to do. Thankfully later in the evening they were given an opportunity to celebrate their victory when the Green Bay Packers let them take the podium at their postgame press conference.

Carolina Panther Fans: First 5000 Fans in Attendance Next Home Game Receive Their Very Own Jake Delhomme Turnover

2009-09-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

Jake Delhomme with rare not a turnover
Originally uploaded by Walter G. Arce

Attention all Carolina Panther fans! We are running this very special, very one time promotion. We've taken a que from major league baseball, and are having a giveaway for the very first 5000 fans in attendance.

Due to the abundance of Jake Delhomme turnovers, we are giving one to the first 5000 fans that make their way into Bank of America Stadium against the Washinton Redskins on October 11. It may be an interception, it may be a fumble, but it will be an authentic Jake Delhomme turnover. Get your tickets now!

Cleveland Browns: "We Erred by Not Tackling Adrian Peterson"

2009-09-13T15:17:00.001-07:00

Adrian Peterson scores...again
Originally uploaded by Titanfan

Earlier this week, a former Cleveland Browns staffer said that the team erred by not drafting Adrian Peterson. Today, head coach Eric Mangini said that his defense erred in not tackling Peterson, during the Vikings 34-20 victory. A game in which Peterson ran for 180 yards and 3 TDs.

"In hindsight, we should have done a better job of tackling him," said Mangini. "I had hoped to confuse the Vikings by not tackling him, since that is what every other defense tries to do. Apparently that didn't work."

Mangini did succeed in messing up gameplanning by not naming a starting quarterback, Brady Quinn, until early this week. Unfortunately, it was the Cleveland offense, and not the Minnesota defense that suffered.

"Yeah, that one backfired too," said Mangini. "I guess next week, I'll have to wait until Friday to name a starting quarterback instead of doing it on Monday or Tuesday. The Denver Broncos are in for a world of hurt."

Highlights of Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Speech

2009-09-13T14:57:00.001-07:00

Michael Jordan - Hall of Fame
Originally uploaded by ATHLETE Director Dave

Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech will be remembered by many. Whether you liked it or thought he was arrogant, you will remember it. Check out the entire video at Not Qualified to Comment.

Here are some of the highlights of the evening:

*Prior to Jordan taking the stage, Sam Bowie was inexplicably called up first. He left prematurely due to some type of lower body injury.

*Craig Ehlo made a desperate attempt at distracting Jordan during his speech. Jordan was able to hang in the air for what seemed like 10 minutes and was able to continue speaking.

*During the middle of the speech, Jordan left the stage, seemingly during the height of the evening. Hakeem Olajumon and Clyde Drexler filled the dead time for a couple of minutes. Jordan returned, and capped off the speech quite nicely.

*Bryon Russell attempted to remove Jordan from the podium, but was gently pushed aside.

*A bunch of other stuff happened at the end, but we won't touch on that at all.

Fan Drinks Oakland Raiders Kool-Aid, Becomes Violently ill

2009-09-11T09:36:00.001-07:00

Tom drank the Kool-Aid
Originally uploaded by ssavoy

Tom Hermanson, a 24 year old Oakland Raiders fan from Middle Bluffs, California thinks that this year is Oakland's year. As a result, he began drinking the Raiders Kool-Aid yesterday afternoon, only to become violently ill a short time later.

"I really think we can do it," said Hermanson in between dry heaves. "McFadden's about to break out and Seymour will really improve our defense. Plus, the AFC West is a weak division so I think we really have a chance. BBLLAAAAAAAA!!!!"

Doctors believe Hermanson became ill because of a rare fungus that had been growing in the Raiders Kool-Aid for several years. Hermanson said he found the Kool-Aid in a rusted bucket beneath McAfee Stadium.

Troy Polamalu Out 3-6 Weeks With Sprained Hair

2009-09-11T09:11:00.001-07:00

Troy Polamalu Hair
Originally uploaded by blackqueeeen

The Madden jinx strikes again! This time, it hit Troy Polamalu. Last night during the Pittsburgh Steelers 13-10 overtime win vs. Tennessee, Polamalu suffered an injury. Right now, it is being called a grade 2 hair sprain.

"We are still waiting for some further test results from our team stylist," said Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin. "Once those tests are completed, we'll have a better idea about when Troy can return."

Despite the injury, Polamalu was surprisingly upbeat after the game.

"This isn't the first time I've sprained my hair," said Polamalu. "With a mane like this, it's bound to happen. It's just a risk of playing football. With the proper treatment, I'll be on the field again in no time."

Polamalu's rehab regiment is said to include shampooing with Head and Shoulders three times a day, and drinking vast amounts of Coke and Coke Zero.

Jets Failed to List Mark Gastineau on Injury Reports in 2008

2009-09-10T11:45:00.001-07:00

Mark Gastineau
Originally uploaded by lostogle

Amid allegations that the Jets failed to list Brett Favre on injury reports during the 2008 season, it has come to light that the team also failed to include defensive end Mark Gastineau on the same reports.

"It was my fault," said a member of the general manager's office. "There was a paperwork glitch that was an oversight on my part. As a result, Mark Gastineau was never taken off the Jets roster. Because he wasn't listed as active, we were required by NFL rules to list him on the injury report. Looking back, he should have been listed as doubtful. Really, really doubtful."

Peter Gammons Predicting a Yankees - Red Sox Super Bowl

2009-09-10T08:30:00.001-07:00

Peter Gammons and Derek Jeter
Originally uploaded by dgaproductions

With the NFL season upon us, it's time for NFL predictions. Some are predicting Super Bowl matchups that include Patriots vs. Giants, Falcons vs. Chargers, Patriots vs. Eagles, or Packers vs. Ravens. But not Peter Gammons. He has stuck with what he knows and has predicted a Yankees vs. Red Sox Super Bowl.

"I don't know much about professional football. Actually, the only professional teams I am aware of in all of sports are the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox," said Gammons. "These are great, historic franchises, so why couldn't they get to the Super Bowl? They have good starting pitching and incredible financial resources, so I'm sure they can get there somehow."

Insiders have told us that Gammons will also be predicting a Yankees-Red Sox NBA Finals with his basketball prognostications.

Jeter Ties Gehrig, Is Unfortunately Stricken with Derek Jeter's Disease

2009-09-09T20:55:00.001-07:00

Derek Jeter
Originally uploaded by danny wild

Tonight, Derek Jeter has tied Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader for the Yankees. But the moment was a somber one for Jeter, as he was quickly diagnosed with Derek Jeter's Disease.

"I really hoped this would be a happier time," said Jeter. "Becoming the all-time hits leader for the Yankees is great. It's just unfortunate that I have to fight this terrible disease. I'm not sure what it is, or what it will do to me, but I'm going to fight it."

We have yet to get a concise explanation as to what Derek Jeter's Disease actually is. But it is believed to be caused by winning several World Series titles while dating an ill-fated string of models and actresses. All while making nearly $20 million a year. But that is merely speculation at this point.

Reality Television Star to Try His Hand at Football

2009-09-09T08:33:00.001-07:00

Terrell Owens (Buffalo Bills)
Originally uploaded by ballerstatus

Reality television star Terrell Owens, known to friends as T.O., wants to take a shot at playing in the NFL. His creatively titled show, The T.O. Show, on VH1 is coming to an end, and he is looking for something to do.

"Look at me, I'm in pretty good shape," said Owens "so I think I can handle playing wide receiver. I've been working hard at complaining about not getting the ball enough, so I'll at least fit in with current NFL receivers."

Owens has signed a one year deal with the Buffalo Bills.

"We shopped around, but didn't get much interest. I guess teams don't want a prima donna, uh...I mean a reality star without football experience playing for them. But I am happy to play for the Buffalo Bills. And I see we have a home game in Canada. Maybe I can expand to that market and try hockey next year. Or maybe curling."

NFL Fears 2010 Will Be Played Without Salary Cap, With Loaded Firearms

2009-09-09T07:19:00.001-07:00

Currently a Firearm Free Zone
Originally uploaded by wallyg

Due to slow labor negotiations, the NFL fears that 2010 may be played without a salary cap. But sadly, no salary cap also means no gun control rules, resulting in games being played with loaded firearms. Most players are not looking forward to that scenario.

"It's dangerous enough out there. Maybe Carson Palmer was right. I know we make a lot of money, but I don't think I could line-up across from a guy if I knew he was packing heat."

Obviously, the league agrees.

"This isn't good," said a league spokesman. "We put that clause in the last collective bargaining agreement, hoping it would scare us into signing a new one. Apparently, that might not work out. Loaded firearms on the field would not be good for the image of the league. We have enough issues the way it is."

How is Pittsburgh Commemorating the Pirates Record Setting Loss?

2009-09-08T10:31:00.001-07:00

New pirates logo?
Originally uploaded by jab483

With the Pittsburgh Pirates setting a record for consecutive losing seasons for major North American sports, one wonders, "How will Pittsburgh commemorate this achievement?" Here's how some are celebrating:

*By pouring champagne back into bottles in the Pirate clubhouse.

*By holding a parade through downtown Pittsburgh while driving in reverse. Instead of falling confetti, it will somehow be shot into the sky.

*By avoiding all riots, as citizens will stay sober and not turn over any cars or set any cars on fire.

*By learning the names of some of the players. This must be done quickly, however, as 80% of their current roster will most likely be traded by next season.

*By destroying all visual evidence of the season, rather than creating a highlight DVD.

*By becoming a fan of the Phillies.

*The Pirates still have a team? GO STEELERS!

Florida St. Asks NCAA to Vacate Last Night's Loss to Miami

2009-09-08T08:33:00.001-07:00

Bobby Bowden
Originally uploaded by Seminole Blog

Handling last night's tough 38-34 loss to Miami is very difficult for Florida State. As a result, the school has asked the NCAA to vacate the loss.

"They vacate wins, why not losses?" said a spokesperson for the athletic department. "I mean, it doesn't hurt anyone. Miami would still get the win, we just wouldn't have a loss. Our chance for an undefeated national championship would still be in tact. At least until we lose to Jacksonville St. next week, or BYU the week after."

Florida St. is also asking its sports information office to vacate all incomplete passes, turnovers and Miami Hurricane touchdowns from last night's game.

ACC Cancels Football Season, Will Concentrate on Basketball

2009-09-07T10:56:00.001-07:00

Is it Basketball Season Yet?
Originally uploaded by kahnegirl183

Following their rough opening week in college football, the ACC has decided to cancel the rest of the season. They will focus their energy and efforts on basketball instead.

"We knew we were bad, but not this bad," said a conference spokesperson. "Losing to TWO I-AA teams is not a good way for our conference to start the season. Add in the beat down some other schools took, we think we should just turn our attention to college basketball. We're much better at that sport anyway."

Richard Seymour Excited for Shorter, Playoff Free Season

2009-09-07T08:59:00.001-07:00

Seymour in Super Bowl XL
Originally uploaded by manololopez8976

In a surprise trade yesterday, the New England Patriots traded Richard Seymour to the Raiders for a 2011 first round draft pick. Most players would rather compete for a championship with the Patriots, rather than play for Oakland, but not Seymour.

"This is great," said the defensive end. "I was getting really tired with all of those extra games we usually had to play in New England. Who needs that? Now, with my January and February free, I can go on vacation and spend more time with my family. This is fantastic!"

Seymour is also excited for his contract to expire, at which point the Raiders will most likely over pay him like they typically do with veteran players.

Sam Bradford's Right Shoulder Would Like to Declare for Last Year's NFL Draft

2009-09-06T14:09:00.001-07:00

Sam Bradford
Originally uploaded by BIGD44

In last night's 14-13 upset of Oklahoma at the hands of BYU, Sam Bradford injured his right shoulder. Following the game, his right shoulder made it clear that he would like to declare for last year's NFL draft.

"It was always my intention to declare for the NFL draft after last season," said Bradford's right shoulder. "I, I mean Sam, would have been the #1 overall pick. So move out of the way, Stafford, I'm calling for a do-over."

Despite only having an AC sprain, which should only hold Bradford out about a month, his throwing shoulder doesn't want to take any chances.

Said his shoulder, "I want my $40 million guaranteed, and right now my, I mean our best chance at getting it is to declare for the draft that took place last April."

No word yet from NFL offices on whether or not a "do-over" draft rule is on the books.

Lee Corso Mistakenly Picks Appalachian St. to Win Alabama-Virginia Tech Matchup

2009-09-05T08:08:00.001-07:00

Appalachian St. Over Alabama-Virginia Tech?
Originally uploaded by Boston Wolverine

The final predictions on ESPN's College Gameday are always a highlight for college football fans. Today, is was a bit confusing, as Lee Corso mistakenly predicted Appalachian St. would win the Alabama vs. Virginia Tech game. Off air, he defended his prediction.

"Not so fast my friend!" said Corso. "Appalachian St. beat a good Michigan team AT Michigan a couple of years ago. If the ball bounces their way a couple of times and they catch a lot of breaks, they could pull off an even bigger upset and beat Alabama and Virginia Tech. Besides, the mountaineer looked more interesting to me than an elephant head or that turkey looking thing Virginia Tech brings out."

ESPN is guarding against this type of mistake in the future. From now on, they will only have the mascot heads of the two teams playing in the game, so Corso isn't thrown off.

Boise St. Still Without BCS Bid Despite Victory Over Oregon

2009-09-04T20:33:00.001-07:00

Boise St.
Originally uploaded by LI Phil

Many experts felt that if Boise St. defeated the Oregon Ducks in a playoff type game, they would solidify their chances at a BCS bowl invitation. But following their 19-8 victory, the team is still without a BCS bid.

"We worked our tails off, and for what?" said Boise St. head coach Chris Peterson. "We are undefeated, and we've beaten a ranked opponent from a BCS conference. But has anyone called from the Fiesta Bowl, the Orange Bowl, or the Sugar Bowl? No. I don't know what else we can do. The system needs to be fixed."

The Boise St. Broncos have done all that they could do, and yet remain on the outside, looking in. This controversy will surely add fuel to the fire for those in favor of a playoff system.

Why Mangini Still Hasn't Picked a QB

2009-09-04T14:33:00.001-07:00

Decisions Decisions
Originally uploaded by scottandreen

The Cleveland Browns have had one of the most talked about quarterback competitions this preseason. Will it be Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn? Coach Mangini has yet to announce who the starter will be. He claims that it will be harder for Cleveland opponents to game plan for week 1 without knowing the starter, but a source from within the organization has given us some other reasons that have led to the procrastination.

* Brady Quinn may leave the team to begin a lucrative modeling career
If that happens, it would completely demoralize the team if Quinn were to be proclaimed the leader, only to leave for greener pastures.

*Braylon Edwards Will Just Drop Passes Anyway
Who cares if it's Quinn or Anderson throwing the ball when the #1 receiver has the dropsies?

*Jeff George is Still Available
Mangini wants to bring in a veteran with experience to run the show. If anything, he'd be confident.

*Mangini is Contemplating a 100% Wildcat Offense with Josh Cribbs
The Wildcat is the revolutionary dangerous NFL offense. Just ask any announcer that is obligated to say "Wildcat". Mangini obviously wants to be dangerous on every play.

*Brett Ratliff has snuck in late to steal the job
Who's Brett Ratliff?

ESPN2 Keeps Interrupting Shots of Brooklyn Decker with Andy Roddick Playing Tennis

2009-09-04T11:32:00.001-07:00

A Rare Glimpse of Brooklyn Decker
Originally uploaded by GMO66

Andy Roddick wins his match last night at the U.S. Open, bla, bla bla. But what's with ESPN2 not showing his wife, model Brooklyn Decker, much at all? Here is one man's take.

"So I tune into the duece, right" said 25 year old Ricky Potts of Jackson Springs, Ohio. "And I'm hoping to see Brooklyn Decker. The problem is, they barely show her, and then cut away to hours of Andy Roddick playing tennis. I can't watch this garbage anymore. I'd rather be looking at this."

Yes, Ricky, it is a shame that ESPN2 doesn't show Roddick's wife much during tennis broadcasts. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of her during his 3rd round match.

Sports Reporters Gamble? What Else Do They Like?

2009-09-04T09:44:00.001-07:00

Announcer's Money Roll
Originally uploaded by Gnerk

Sports reporters gamble? According to a recent survey, 40% of them do, with 5% gambling on the sport that they are covering. Read about it at The Sporting Blog and Sports by Brooks. What else did this survey reveal about sports reporters? We took a look at some other trends in the world of sports journalism.

*61% admit playing XBox 360 or Playstation 3 during a broadcast.

*38% have more than just a man crush on Tom Brady.

*44% wish they could "just be Manny".

*17% cannot pronounce Roethlisberger, hence the nickname "Big Ben".

*81% of football announcers say 'football' at least 3 times per sentence regarding football while at a football game or on a football pregame show.

*41% of baseball announcers wish they had a cooler catch phrase for their home run call.

*54% have recurring nightmares of the telestrator drawing circles on them.

and finally-

*29% think there is an upper midwest media bias.

Redskins Ticket Office Woes

2009-09-03T13:09:00.001-07:00

The Jersey of the Team Owner
Originally uploaded by Forge93

Shame on the Washington Redskins ticket office. First, they sell tickets to brokers, even with a long waiting list of fans that would buy tickets. Then, it is revealed that they sued season ticket holders who defaulted on their season ticket agreement. They even forced one woman into bankruptcy. Now they are suing New York Giants fans for buying tickets to Giants games.

"We want people to pay money for Washington Redskins tickets, not New York Giants tickets," said a source from within the organization. "If we can't get enough cash from Giants fans, we'll move on to the Jets, then the Eagles, then right on down the Atlantic coast. We will harass every NFL fan base until we get our money."

Despite being told that no legal right existed for them to do this, the Redskins are undeterred.

"Dan Snyder didn't become a kajillionairre by giving stuff away. We're going to take what's rightfully ours. We're going to take what's not rightfully ours. And we're going to take what we want to be ours. If it's a bad PR move, so be it."

Tom Brady Listed as Probable for Afternoon Film Session

2009-09-03T10:04:00.001-07:00

Tom Brady
Originally uploaded by boxjock78

With injury information tough to come by in New England, many are wondering about the status of Tom Brady for the opener. But by being listed as probable for today's afternoon film session, it is most likely that he will be in the lineup come opening day.

"I am fine," said Brady. "Coach Belichik just adds me to the injury report because the media eats it up. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but next week I may be listed as questionable with some sort of infection. It should be a lot of fun."

This should be a relief to Patriot fans and fantasy football players everywhere. Hopefully Brady can stay healthy all year, and avoid injury due to football players carelessly playing football in his vicinity.

Brad Childress: "Starters to Sit Final Preseason Game, All of Regular Season"

2009-09-03T09:43:00.001-07:00

Brad Childress
Originally uploaded by vikingsfrenzy

The Minnesota Vikings and head coach Brad Childress have announced that Brett Favre and other starters will not play in the final preseason game versus the Dallas Cowboys. They will also sit their starters for the entire regular season.

"Football is a tough game, and injuries are always a risk," said Childress. "By resting our starters for this game, and all 16 games of the regular season, our starters should be fresh come playoff time. They may be watching from their couches at home, but they'll be fresh."

Fans Hope Bears Achieve Cubs, White Sox Levels of Disappointment

2009-09-03T09:28:00.001-07:00

Jay Cutler
Originally uploaded by fatalysis

With the Cubs and White Sox underachieving this year, Chicago sports fans now turn to the Bears. With high expectations for the team, fans hope the Bears can achieve Cubs and White Sox levels of disappointment.

"It's great to have a team that is supposed to do well," said Mike, a diehard Bears fan. "We even have, and stop me if I mispronounce this, a good quar-ter-back this year in Jay Cutler. It's an exciting time to be a Chicago sports fan. At least before the season starts. I just hope the Bears can come close to achieving the level of disappointment brought to us by the Cubs and the White Sox."

Should the Bears fall short like the Cubbies and the Sox, fans will most likely find solace in another first round playoff exit by the Bulls.

Kansas City Royals Selling Playoff Tickets Just for Fun

2009-09-02T16:27:00.001-07:00

Kansas City Royals - Playoff tickets?
Originally uploaded by N i c o_

With the baseball postseason approaching, teams in contention are now accepting applications for playoff tickets. For example, the Yankees announced their ticket prices for the playoffs yesterday. But the Royals, despite having absolutely no shot at qualifying for the postseason, announced that playoff tickets are available for their loyal fans that have stuck with them all these years.

"It's nice to do something for our fans," said a team representative. "I know these tickets are technically worthless, and they won't get you into an actual playoff game. That is, unless you have a time machine and can go back to 1985 or something. But we feel it's still a nice gesture. I mean, tell a fan on opening day that they can purchase playoff tickets and they'd be ecstatic. We're just giving that to them, without all of the playoff heartbreak."

Fantasy Football Tip: No Need to Pay Attention, Just Call Sports Radio Shows

2009-09-02T10:36:00.001-07:00

Fantasy Football
Originally uploaded by paulisakson

Should you draft Maurice Jones-Drew or Michael Turner? Should you start Lance Moore or Donnie Avery? Should you stare at your computer 24/7 and get divorced or should you acknowledge your wife? These are just a few of the thousands of questions fantasy football players struggle with each year. Today, we are passing along a secret tip to put you on the right track towards winning your fantasy league.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE NFL OR THE PERFORMANCE OF YOUR PLAYERS. Just call into several nationally syndicated sports radio shows and ask them your stupid...I mean your all important fantasy football questions. If you care about fantasy football a lot, but don't have time to follow the NFL, simply leave your decision making up to sports talk experts. Frank Ayers utilizes this method, and recommends it to everyone.

"I don't know the first thing about football," said Frank. "Heck, I've never even seen an NFL game. So, to optimize my fantasy football line-up, I call into 20 or 25 radio shows per week and ask them who I should start position by position, and I sometimes get great advice. Thanks syndicated sports radio shows that spend hours on fantasy sports and not real sports!"

White Sox Wave White Flag, Ozzie Guillen Berates it With Profanity Laced Tirade

2009-09-01T12:31:00.001-07:00

Ozzie Guillen
Originally uploaded by jlurie

With the trades of Jim Thome and Jose Contreras, the White Sox have indeed waved the white flag. But manager Ozzie Guillen got in a few parting shots while it was waving.

"I can't believe we are waving the (expletive)(expletive)(expletive) white (expletive)(expletive) flag," said an irritated Guillen. "Flag, you are a (expetive)(expletive) piece of total (expletive). If these (expletive)(expletive)(expletive) would just (expletive) play better, we wouldn't have been in this (expletive)(expletive) mess in the (expletive) first place."

So the sun has essentially set on the White Sox season, but Ozzie Guillen continues to do his best to keep them in the news. Can't wait to see what he does once the regular season starts for the Bears.

Barack Obama Declares AFC West a Disaster Area

2009-09-01T11:38:00.001-07:00

AFC West Division
Originally uploaded by HocusPokusFocus

Today, President Barack Obama has declared the AFC West a disaster area. FEMA is now on the way to clean up the mess.

"I am glad that the government has finally stepped in," said a representative of the NFL. "The Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders appear to be a total mess. I just don't know how they could compete if we sat back and did nothing. We need some federal funds to restore these once proud franchises."

However, there is some opposition to this, mostly in the San Diego area.

"The government is going to bail those guys out?!?" said one Chargers fan. "Why can't they wait? Before they stepped in the Chargers winning the AFC West looked like the surest thing since the Titanic not sinking, er, well.... you know what I mean."

Dodgers Acquire Thome, Will DH, Bat 10th

2009-09-01T09:15:00.001-07:00

Jim Thome
Originally uploaded by Keith Allison

In a stunning waiver deadline trade, the Los Angeles Dodgers acquired slugger Jim Thome from the Chicago White Sox. Many wonder where the Dodgers can even use him. A team source tells us that he will be the team's designated hitter and will bat 10th.

"Yes, we play in the National League," said the source. "But since no one watches baseball on the west coast we figure we can get away with using an extra hitter. We'll go ahead and bat Thome 10th. We didn't acquire him to be a $14 million pinch hitter. C'mon."

Fantasy Footballers in Frantic Search for Another Offensive Coordinator

2009-08-31T14:03:00.001-07:00

KC Fired O.C. Chan Gailey
Originally uploaded by matt_starr_2000

Following the surprise firing of Chan Gailey by the Chiefs, millions of fantasy football players are frantically searching for a replacement offensive coordinator.

"This isn't good," said Larry Benson, an avid fantasy football player. "I new I was taking a risk with the Kansas City offensive coordinator, but I didn't think he'd get fired before the season even started. I am screwed, because there really isn't anyone left. I wish I had purchased some fantasy football insurance."

Sorry, Larry. That's just one of the risks you take in the high stakes all important life changing world of fantasy football.

Ohio State, Michigan State Telling Recruits They Never Have to Practice

2009-08-31T11:23:00.001-07:00

Rich Rodriguez
Originally uploaded by Ron Pradetto

In an interesting piece of news, the Ohio State and Michigan State football programs have announced to their recruits that they will never have to practice. This comes on the heels of the allegations at Michigan.

"We don't want to over work these guys," said a member of the Ohio State staff. "Granted, football is important to us, but they need a good life balance. We want our players to win football games, but to also enjoy the college experience."

Michigan State feels the same way.

"Life is about more than football," said a Spartan staffer. "A rare few will make the NFL, so we need to prepare these guys for their careers after college athletics."

Michigan Officials Probing Alleged 3-9 Season

2009-08-31T08:37:00.001-07:00

Michigan Football
Originally uploaded by MichiganPhotoRod

Michigan officials are looking into the alleged 3-9 season that took place last year under new head coach Rich Rodriguez. If it turns out to be true that the team was practicing roughly 846 hours per week as is being reported, a 3-9 season at Michigan seems unfathomable.

"I can't remember ever having a losing season in my lifetime, let alone one this bad," said a university official. "Michigan football didn't go 3-9. There's no way. I don't know who started that rumor. Probably the same people that say Notre Dame and Florida St. aren't national powers anymore. Just ridiculous."

If these allegations of a 3-9 season turn out to be true, the football program faces an uphill battle.

Said a member of the coaching staff, "If we really went 3-9 last year, then we need to get to work. We'll need to practice harder, lift more, and watch more film. Players will be here all day if they have to be."

Brandon Marshall Using Free Weekend Attempting to Put "I" in Team

2009-08-29T11:41:00.001-07:00

Brandon Marshall
Originally uploaded by scottandreen

With lots of free time this weekend due to the Denver Broncos suspending him, Brandon Marshall needed something to. He's decided to attempt to put an "I" in team.

"There were lots of things Brandon could have done," said one of Marshall's advisors. "But he doesn't feel like working out, or studying the playbook. We fully support his decision to put an 'I' in team, whether he is successful in his attempt or not."

Good luck, Brandon. Many have tried, but all have failed.

Albert Haynesworth Apologizes for Playing Football Near Tom Brady

2009-08-29T07:39:00.001-07:00

Albert Haynesworth
Originally uploaded by snidro

Following his hit on Tom Brady during last night's Patriots-Redskins game, Albert Haynesworth is doing some damage control. Some are accusing him of trying to hurt Brady, but Albert says no way, it was just football. Today, he is apologizing for playing football near someone as delicate as Tom Brady.

"I shouldn't have tackled him like that," said Haynesworth. "He is a quarterback after all, and there are rules against hitting those guys unnecessarily. I can promise that it won't happen again. I will only tackle running backs, tight ends and wide receivers."

The NFL is looking into the matter, and will surely invoke some sort of two hand touch rule for quarterbacks. Especially elite quarterbacks that can make the league lots of money.

Greg Paulus Takes 3 Charges at Latest Syracuse Football Practice

2009-08-28T18:40:00.001-07:00

Paulus after "drawing" a charge
Originally uploaded by diz8882002

Former Duke guard, Greg Paulus, will be playing some quaterback for Syracuse this year. He's picked up right where he left off, and it was reported that he drew 3 charges at the latest practice for the Orange.

"It's nice that he still knows how to draw a charge," said a member of the Syracuse coaching staff. "I'm just not sure that falling down is the greatest idea in football. I mean, that will count as a 7 or 8 yard loss for us if he just flops to his back. I know contact is frowned upon in basketball, but in Big East football, tackling is actually encouraged."

Vikings Cause Penicillin Shortage Due to Team Wide Schism Outbreak

2009-08-28T14:11:00.001-07:00

Jared Allen
Originally uploaded by drawes28

Yesterday's reports indicated that the Favre situation was causing a schism in the Vikings locker room. Apparently a schism is also a disease, which caused a penicillin shortage in the Twin Cities.

"This isn't good," said a health center worker. "I've never seen a schism outbreak this bad. I've read about it occurring during the Civil War days, but I've never seen it. We just weren't anticipating this in 2009."

If this schism outbreak isn't contained, experts say that it will rival the swine flu, the bird flu, the west nile virus and SARS all wrapped into one.

Cutler and Marshall to Have "Tantrum Off" Prior to Bears vs. Broncos

2009-08-28T07:17:00.001-07:00

Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall
Originally uploaded by JAGaroutte

For a preseason game, the Bears vs. Broncos matchup is getting a decent amount of attention. Some top storylines include the whole Cutler vs. McDaniel thing, and Brandon Marshall's quest to get traded. We have learned that instead of a coin flip, possession will be determined by a Cutler vs. Marshall "Tantrum Off".

"It will be exciting to see who can throw the biggest tantrum," said one Bears official. "I hope it's Jay, but after seeing the video of Marshall at practice, I think he's got his work cut out for him."

Denver is also excited to see who can display the worst attitude, said a team spokesman.

"We've held on to Marshall for this reason, to win the tantrum off vs. Jay Cutler and the Bears. Once this is over, we can't get him out of town fast enough."

BREAKING NEWS: One Kentucky Basketball Coach Didn't Get Arrested, Cheat on His Wife, or Violate NCAA Rules Last Night

2009-08-27T09:40:00.001-07:00

Western Kentucky Hoops
Originally uploaded by awinner

In a shocking story, a current or former Division I head basketball coach from the state of Kentucky didn't get into any trouble last night. Ken McDonald, head men's basketball coach at Western Kentucky, simply enjoyed a nice meal at home with his family. With the reports involving Rick Pitino, John Calipari and Billy Gillispie, this news rocked the basketball hotbed of Kentucky.

"I'm not really sure what the big deal is," said McDonald. "I eat dinner at home with my family all of the time. I plan on keeping my nose out of trouble and running a clean program. Guess I just find it bizarre that it's news I didn't mess up."

Fans of Western Kentucky basketball applaud the way McDonald runs his program.

Said one fan, "It's great that he hasn't been arrested or all that other stuff. We actually prefer that WKU hoops is in the news for things that happen on the court and not all this extracurricular nonsense."